An Interview

I interviewed myself. Here's how I did.

I’ve noticed a Substack trend going around where you ask another Substacker questions, and then you pass it on. Substack chainmail, essentially.

I’m not doing that. But I did answer my own truly unhinged questions. Here we go:

What do you think the moon calls itself?

Brenda. She feels like SUCH a Brenda.

Would you rather die than share your darkest secret?

Imagine if I said yes???

What grows in the dark dies in the light my friends. If you have a spooky secret, just let it out already. I’ll go first: I read monster erotica and I’m not ashamed. You’re turn!

Something you own in excess is now the agreed-upon currency. How’s life now?

If romance novels were the new currency, I’d be living in a different tax bracket for sure. I could live in Bel Air or the Upper East Side in a romance-novel economy. Also my hope would be that this means we have somehow changed the patriarchy dramatically if we’re using romance novels as currency. This feels like a good sign of the times, no?

Would you rather only whisper everything or only shout everything?

Whisper. Do you know how many times in a day I tell my husband, “Oh-uh, gotta pee again!” Now imagine me shouting that every time I have to pee (which is a lot.)

If cats suddenly formed a political party, what would be their platform, and would you vote for them?

The political platform for cats would almost certainly be ‘free tuna water for everyone’ and I would absolutely vote for them. Free tuna water in this economy? Can’t pass that up. Also… I’m confident a den of cats could run our government better than any current American politician, so please let the cats reign.

Is there a food you think should be banned?

Blood sausage. Like what the actual fuc—

What conspiracy theory can you kinda get on board with?

I heard a conspiracy once that aliens are sea creatures living in the deep, and are actually the real leaders of the planet, controlling us. It reflects my thoughts on the current state of things when I say I find this theory to be a relief compared to reality.

Would you ever wear Crocs filled with yogurt for an entire day? Start to finish?

I came up with this question. Can you believe that? And yes I would because YOLO.

You find a USB drive labeled “DO NOT PLUG IN!!!” What do you do?

Since I am not the main character in a horror movie or sci-fi action thriller, there is no fucking way I’m plugging that bullshit into a computer. I am stomping that USB’s brains out and its going in the trash.

Would you rather be haunted by a ghost or be a ghost haunting someone?

If the friendly ghost was like an adult version of Devon Sawa’s Casper the Friendly Ghost — as in— hot, then I’d prefer to be haunted by said hot ghost. If not hot, then I would prefer to haunt someone else as a ghost. I can think of a few political figures who could do with some solid haunting.

What is a weird hill you would die on?

Leaf blowers should be illegal. Period.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

I want the power to stop rotten, selfish, cruel men from ruling the world. What superpower is that again? Weapons-grade kindness?

Is there a phrase from a script or book, a line of poetry or song, that you’ve written that you especially love?

There is a line in my song Mrs. Satan (about the suffragete Victoria C. Woodhull):

If equality is your idea of purgatory,
I’ll gladly send you there in a blaze of glory.
’Cus the devil called, and she wants her due.
And she’s not leaving ‘till she gets it.

And it summarizes my feelings surrounding intolerant bigots pretty nicely.

Any bits of writing advice you’d give to your younger self?

I’d tell my younger self to trust my gut and stop writing certain projects 2-3 years sooner than I did. I’d also tell my younger self to start writing rom coms like 10 years sooner than I did. Start now, would be my advice.

Wow. Thanks Substack for going along for that wild ride.

Feel free to share your own wacky answers in the comments.

x

Katie